Not everything in life is a competition.

Upon the news of the ex-bf of yesteryear getting married to an ex-best friend of mine, I received a text from a good friend I haven't seen in ages saying, "dude, we're really the last."

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

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Weekends in Singapore are made up of pretty much, weddings. Spending a full hour looking through the closet of Hari Raya outfit that I only wear during, well, Hari Raya, and another hour ironing it and yet another hour trying to look pretty for God knows what reason.

Here are some photos I have to put here because you dress up so nicely and doll up it seems like a waste of time if you don't put your photo up somewhere. Lol.


cuz taking a selfie/wefie is mandatory during weddings

I'm not asking you to please not invite me to your weddings too. In fact, I love weddings. I love to see my friends and cousins tying the knot, even if my mum manage to drag me out of the house to attend a wedding of a friend's daughter's brother in law's second cousin, I'd be there for them if they need me to and if my time allows me to (and may they forgive me if I am not there because trainings and competitions take precedence and I hope they understand that). 

(I also love weddings cuz it gives me a chance to prove to my mum that I'll wear that $300 tailor-made more than once.)

I love attending weddings because it is a celebration of love (and courage, as how some may put it) and it is a happy occasion and watching happy faces make you happy and who doesn't want to be happy? Attending weddings also put ideas in your head of how you want your wedding to be. Of course I do have an idea of how my wedding is gonna be like- as tough as I think I am, I'm still a Princess, and I must have the perfect wedding with a perfect wedding dress and everyone has to dress up like elves. (I pretty much have everything planned, but not the groom). Lol.

But the weekly weddings that I attend, to me, serve as a weekly reminder that I'm getting a week older and the question that is always ringing in my head, "should I be worried that im not married?"

Or more like, "should I be worried that im not worried that im not married?"

Weekend after weekend my list of single friends gets smaller and smaller. But it doesn't bother me (or does it?). I'm more worried about whether I'll be able to reach my target for the half marathon next month, whether I will be able to make weight for the next competition. It worries the hell out of me if my wrist doesn't get any better and the coach says no I can't row for xx more days and I'll be a miserable person for xx days. I can't even live my life to the fullest with each day that passes by without being able to row. But today's not about rowing (and I really should stop whining about it, grar.)

There is no time or space in my head to think about marriage. God, no.

I'm fortunate to have a mum who isn't pressuring me to get married. In fact, when I told her that my ex is getting married, she said, "It's okay." It was an awfully awkward "It's okay" but the conversation ended there, thankfully. But im so glad she isn't that type who wants to give me away as soon as she can. Phew.

I am also so, so grateful that my relatives have stopped asking me when is it my turn to sit on the wedding dais and instead question me on when's my next competition. Do you know how pleased I am to know that the majority of the people I know have learnt to accept that my dreams mean more than anything else in the world? 

But you know what worries me more than being nowhere near getting married?

Knowing that my friends (of the yaya sisterhood of singlehood) find solace in me when they discover that their FB time line is flooded with wedding photos, or even scarier, photos of our friends with big bumps on their tummies. It's like, hey, Aisyah's chasing to put a medal around her neck instead of a ring around her finger. She's pregnant with hopes and dreams and not a baby. She's saving up for the Olympic dreams and not her wedding or children's education. SO IT'S LIKE IT'S OKAY IF WE'RE NOT MARRIED, NOT PREGNANT OR NOT HAVING KIDS CUZ AISYAH ISN'T ANYWAY!

It's like I'm the yardstick.
The role model for all those women out there who are just not ready for the big m word yet.

I have absolutely nothing against marriage. I just think that you should get married for the right reasons and only when you're ready. Dont get married because your peers are married, because your parents tell you to get married, and certainly because you love the thought of looking pretty on the dais on your wedding day. And there is absolutely nothing to fear or be embarrassed about if you're the last to get hitched. A wise friend once said, marriage is not a race. The one who gets married first doesn't make him a winner in any way. WORD.

But then again, who am I to talk about marriages? 

Let's talk about ending 2015 on a good note. If 2014 hasn't been a great year for you (I feel you, bro), I'm on a mission to make the best of what's left in 2014 and so should you. I've been running distances I never have imagined myself to cover- all in the name of a half-marathon I gladly signed up for. I've been sitting on the bike almost every other day to make up for the times I'm losing out of the boat and I'm even buying my own road bike (considering the fact that I have a phobia of cycling on the road). If I can't make one thing happen, I'm pretty sure there are other things I can make happen.

I do feel like a little part of me dies everyday I'm not allowed to row but it has reached the point where I just have to stop being sad and start being awesome. There's absolutely no time for us to continue to mope around about something we can't change. Gotta start living, man.

199 days to SEA GAMES 2015.

xx

The OMG-ITS-7-MORE-WEEKS-TO-END-YEAR Goal Review

The problem that we face when we set goals is usually not reviewing them. So let's be a bit more responsible for ourselves and look at how far we've come now that it's already been a month since we set our goals. The mistake that I did when I was setting these goals in October was that, I didn't had a plan on how to go about achieving them. I thought, we could just, you know, #gojer, and do them when we feel like it but some things are not easy as just #gojerdontscared

1. To be able to do 10 chin ups (over hand grip) in one go. (Currently I can do 3, and my PB is 6.)

CURRENTLY I AM NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANY CHIN-UPS. So boo you, pain on the wrist. BOO YOU!

But if your goal is still to attempt a chin-up or to increase the max that you can do, here's one way to train for it:

Perform 100 chin ups in a day.

If you cannot even do one yet: jump and use the momentum to do a chin up and on your way down, extend your arms slowly. Land softly on the ground (so you don't end up hurting you knees!) and repeat the jump and pull!

If you are already able to do a few at one go: Perform the most you can do, rest. Go for your max again. Rest. Set yourself a time limit. Let's say, start with 100 chin ups a day so that you can divide it into probably 50 in the morning and 50 in the evening. And as you get better, push yourself a bit more to 100 in an hour. In the event that you cannot do anymore because your arms are filled with lactic you think it might fall apart anytime soon, do an assisted chin-up. Get a friend to carry your feet, or use the assisted chin-up machine in the gym.

Don't forget to stretch and be prepared for ridiculously sore arms and lats.

2. To be able to do a handstand. (I cannot even brave myself to stand on my hands with my feet on a wall!!!)

AGAIN. BOO YOU, WRIST!!!! :'(

But I know when my wrist is okay, I have friends who will be teaching me how to do a handstand YAY! ^^

3. To run a 10km in 40mins. (The last time I did an official 10k race was in 2012 with a timing of 52mins without any training.)

To achieve this target, I've been doing 400m and 800m pieces at my target speed which is 4mins/km (target speed) and boy, did I feel like I was sprinting through the pieces! #howliddat?

4. To be able to pull a distance of 7510m in 30mins on the rowing machine. (Current personal record was 7503m set in Feb 2014.)

Current personal record 7518m WOOTS ^^

5. To run a half marathon. (The longest official run I did was the Urbanathlon last year of 14km.)

SIGNED UP FOR STANDARD CHARTERED ON 7 DEC WOOHOO! 1:30hr pacer needed!

Found some training programmes online and it goes something like this:

Monday 4km

Tuesday Fartleks/Hill Sprints/400m/800m

Wed 5km

Thurs 10km

Fri 7kn

Sat 4km

Sun 15km

Roughly 50km-60km a week depending how lazy I am.

Before I signed up for this half-marathon, my runs are an hour long but I can tell you for sure that running for more than an hour can be mentally draining (not sure if this is what the runners call "hitting the wall"- but don't laugh if I think it is because I'm not a runner okay) and I have absolutely no idea how these regular marathoners run so much.

(They must be wondering how we clock 100km of rowing every week too I guess. GAAAAH DONT TALK ROWING TO ME!!!)

6. To be able to do a 6mins plank. (Did a 6mins last year. Once.)

Did an 8mins plank.

SEALED THE DEAL, BABY!

Tip to achieve this: do it with a group of competitive people under the watch of someone who will spot every hump when you lift your butt too high or every dip that forms when you are not pushing your upper back towards the ceiling.

7. To do 10 pistol squat on each leg unassisted. (Currently can manage 10 but with assistance.)

IN PROGRESS.

Haven't really been doing any pistol squats lately. BOO YOU, AISYAH! I'll start today.

8. To be able to swim 5 laps along the pool without rest. (Now I will be happy to finish 1 lap without rest.)

AM NOT ABLE TO SWIM WITH THE WRIST but hopefully splint comes off next week!

9. To be able to sit on the bike for 2 hours without rest. (Most number of minutes I sat in the stationary bike was 90.)

Not brave enough to do this yet. But I am purchasing a road bike soon, hopefully that will help me achieve this goal.

Tip to achieve this: this one, really, a perfect case of don't think just do.

10. To get back into doing Bikram Yoga.

After the splint goes off, I AM READY FOR YOU 40 DEGREES ROOM AND 26 POSES!

---

2 out of 10 goals achieved in a month.

4 goals put on hold because of the wrist.

4 goals in progress.

I'd say, things are looking pretty good at this point, although time is running short and this wrist thing is killing me. I guess that it's only right for me to look at the things I can do instead and work on them.

(I told you I have this insane ability to make the bad things seem pretty good in some way.)

Ciao

xx

Life Lessons from a Splint

Honestly, I don't even remember the last time I was injury-free. First there was the ribs, then the back, then the shoulders, then now the wrist. Really? Is this what its like to be a professional athlete? Is this normal? It worries me so much that I'm always having to see the doctor, go for X-rays, get MRI scans done, go for physio and rehab sessions, having consultations that cost a bomb, getting friendly with tapes and bandages and now a splint. It scares me that here I am putting my job on hold, saying no to a few thousand dollars in the bank every month, rejecting a safe and secured future, to take on a career not many individuals would risk doing, chasing a dream that seems so far-fetched, only to see my body not cooperating, only to be disappointed by my own self. Is this really what a professional athlete goes through? Or is it just me? Is it just my body being weak, not used to being pushed all the time? Is it just my imagination creating all these injuries? Is it just excuses I make up to earn the rest I think I deserve?

Do you know how painful it is to wake up every single day not being able to row? How hard it is to swallow down everything that the doctor tells me and what my coaches want me to do or in fact what not to do- which usually is harder for me to accept? How numb I've become to people telling me NO YOU CANT DO THIS and NO YOU'RE NOT FIT ENOUGH FOR THIS and YOU'RE TOO HEAVY? How unfair I think life is throwing me all these crap that makes my life so goddamn difficult when all I want to do is train and win. That's just it. Train and win. Am I making the life of another being hard if all I want to do is to train?

I know if you could, you'd want to give me one good slap right now. I know I should be grateful that I'm living the dream. I am given this chance to make my dreams become reality and the govt, companies, individuals are investing in me because they believe in me and here I am complaining about how tough life is and how it sucks to be injured. How ridiculous can Aisyah be? 

I don't need you to come up to me and give me a pat on my shoulder to tell me to stay strong. I don't need your pity that my arm is in a splint and that I can't row for another week or two and my life is a misery every single day that I can't row.

In fact, I'm telling you all these because I know that sometimes you think your life sucks too and sometimes you just want to give up and let go of everything you've worked hard for. Sometimes, you don't see a purpose to hang on to your goals anymore. Sometimes, shit happens and do what you want but shit is gonna happen and it might just happen right in front of your doorstep. Sometimes, the results don't really correlate with the effort you've put in. Sometimes, you just want to hide under your blankets and stay there until the storm passes. Sometimes, you wonder how some people can be so happy and positive all the freaking time. Sometimes, the grass always seems greener on the other side (wait, the grass ALWAYS seems to be greener on the other side). Sometimes, you just don't know why you're even alive.

So, so what if I know that you think life sucks too? Why did I spend the last 10 minutes whining about how awful my life is right now and yet hoping that you don't feel sorry for me? Why am I not the smiley, happy, positive-thinking Aisyah you see on your FB news feed every other minute or so? Because I'm human too. And I do feel sad and disappointed. I do lose motivation sometimes, honestly there are even days when I wake up not wanting to train because I do get lazy. I do have that little voice inside of me that keeps on whispering mean and nasty things to me that I don't want to hear like how tired I am and how it's okay if I skip a training because my coach would not know anyway. I do tell myself that I'm fat (and some of you might just be like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID YOU JUST SAY THAT? and roll your eyes at me) but to the eyes of my coaches, I am fat. My body fat percentage is ridiculously high for a lightweight rower.

What do I want to achieve out of telling you my deep dark secrets of being a lazy, whiny human being?

I just want the world to know that everyone has their bad days, or weeks, or months, or even a bad year (omg, tell me about having a bad year!). And that no matter how hard our lives seem to be, there will be someone out there having it harder, and still surviving, so there should be absolutely no reason for us to give up on something just because it seems hard to achieve. And when we've overcome our bad moments, if we have the chance to, we help others get out from their stormy days. When I feel like the world is crumbling down on me, other than seeking solace from God, I turn to people who I believe have gone through similar situations. That's why with this injury thing that I'm facing, stories of other athletes having to overcome injuries and coming out of them winning medals (and even becoming an Olympic champion) give me hope that everything will be okay. When I broke my nose last year, I read about the cyclist, Dinah Chan, who met with an accident a few months before the SEA Games and how she sprung back into training. And we both eventually became Gold medallists. When I won that Gold, (I hope) I gave light to those who feel like no one believes in them to achieve their dreams- because the only belief you need is the belief in yourself (which sounds terribly cheesy but is so true, I swear by it).

(I'm also telling you all these because I may be smiling in my selfies with my splint but deep down inside, all I want to do is throw this splint out of the car and drive over it so I don't have to see it ever again.)

So yea, back to my injury. Basically it's just a minor tear on a cartilage on my wrist and something about my bones rubbing against each other. It doesn't sound as bad as it looks so don't worry, I'm doing fine. It sucks to know that I can't row while it's recovering but with the great increment in the amount of time I spent running, it serves as a good training for my half marathon race this December. And with the immense numbers of hours I spend on the bike, I am sub-consciously mentally training myself not to go crazy.

(I love how my mind has the ability to see the good out of something bad. That's why I believe that it's a gift for me to make the world a better place to live in. I love how I think I can change the world too. HAHAHA.)

With that whole lot of rant, I hope people realise that life is full of shit and we've already got enough shit from life the last thing we want to do is add on to the shit in others' lives. BE NICE TO EACH OTHER. Amen.

The Bircher Muesli- my favourite breakfast

I'm currently obsessed with this yummy power-packed breakfast. The best thing about this dish is that you can practically change the ingredients to your liking and it's so easy to make. You can trust me on the simplicity of preparing this dish because I am the laziest person on the face of the Earth when it comes to cooking, I can assure you on that.

So here's how you make The Bircher Muesli

Mix:
1 cup of rolled oats
1 Granny Smith apple- grated (or any types of apple will do, or I used pear in this photo because I was out of apples haha)
Some spoonfuls of plain yoghurt
1/2 cup of apple juice (I used apple yoghurt drink here cuz I love the pear bits it has)
1 dash of ground cinnamon

Put it in the fridge for an hour or overnight.

In the morning:

Add a handful of blueberries, raisins and cranberries and almond slices and pumpkin seeds and mix them well, mix them good, mix them like you know you should! (LOL!)

(You can also add any types of berries, bananas, walnuts, Brazil nuts, honey, or (my fave) figs)

An awesome fuel for my training and good for a recovery meal as well. Yay.

5 reasons why you should watch Banting

I've never done a movie review before. I don't usually talk much about movies other than the fact that I watched a movie in Sydney alone and am so proud of it (instead of feeling like a loser about it). I've never attended a movie premier before, what more a local Malay movie. I don't remember the last time I left the movie theatre thinking to myself, "Damn, I must tell the world how good this movie is!" So, there must be something about this movie that makes me want to write about it to make you want to watch it. No, I'm not being paid for this and neither do I have anything to do with the production of this movie. So here are 5 reasons why you should catch Banting:

1. It is local

We should support local films like how you would support your local athletes. Like how you would queue up for One Direction tickets or buy hundreds of dollars worth of passes to watch a sport you become a fan of only for a few days in a year (read: something to do with fast cars). It would mean a lot to us, athletes, artists, musicians alike if the 5 million strong nation shows us their love. That's how a nation grows together. That's how countries produce world-class sportspeople or entertainers. It comes from the support of our own people. (I should run for office, don't you think so?) And who says local products can't be amazing?

2. It is inspirational

The scriptwriter probably googled "inspirational quotes" for his characters and the plot is pretty much predictable but an inspirational movie always has that kick that you need once in a while to push you to do things you've been holding back on. 

Left the theatre feeling more determined to chase my dreams even more than ever.

3. It is relatable

I swear I was immensely terrified by how similar the storyline was to my own life. 

Throughout the movie, I was like, "Omg! This reminds me of my mum!" "Omg! That is so like me!" "Omg! I think they took my life story and made it into this movie!" The freakiest coincidence would be the main character's coach being Japanese and so is mine (gah!).

Thing is, you don't have to be a Malay or a Singaporean or even an athlete to be able to relate to Banting. Anyone with goals and dreams and passion for something is able to identify with the characters in the movie. 

And as audiences, we love movies we can relate to, because sometimes it gives us a sense of hope, like Harry Potter for example, because we never know when Hagrid might appear and tell us that we're actually a witch or a wizard. Lol. We like movies we can relate to especially if the characters remind us of ourselves or of the people around us. Banting will remind you of yourself or someone close to your heart I am pretty sure of that.

4. It is entertaining

I love the fact that the movie is actually funny! I actually teared cuz I was laughing too much and too hard. Perhaps I'm just easily tickled but it's been a long time since I've laughed till I cried watching a movie. The last movie that happened was White Chicks. We all need a light-hearted movie like Banting once in a while. Movie theatres have been invaded by too many dark and 'heavy' movies like Gone Girl, which makes you leave the cinema feeling gloomy. Banting makes you want to skip your way home.

5. It is outstanding

I found plenty of things about the movie outstanding. The cinematography (as though I knew anything about it but there were scenes which made you go, "Wah, fancy editing!" So I'm assuming that's what filmography is- and I'm sorry if it's not and makes me seem ignorant) was pretty cool. The casts were down-to-Earth and talented and so Singaporean (which is essential in making us relate to them). And most importantly, the message it was delivering was close to my heart. That right there would score 98 points.

--

If you knew me very well, I'm not a big fan of Malay movies, but this, this is officially my favourite movie of 2014. And if these 5 reasons doesn't convince you to go watch Banting, then I think you're not a true blue Singaporean or that you don't have goals and dreams. If you're not a Malay and you're wondering why you should watch a Malay movie, I wonder too why I'm a non-Chinese but I watched I Not Stupid and I'm not Hindi but I watched Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN SO WHY DO YOU WATCH HOLLYWOOD MOVIES?

Banting opens in all Cathay and Filmgarde cinemas on 31 October 2014. 

What do you do when life gives you bananas?

#SoProud of myself for being so hardworking in the kitchen yesterday. My mum was so happy that I spent almost the whole day at home that she sent me a text this morning thanking me for spending time with her. She cracks me up sometimes.

So I found myself with 2 combs of ripe bananas one day and I knew I had to make something out of them so these are what I made:

1. Make banana ice cream without an ice cream machine!

Freeze bananas for a few hours, or days.
Throw them in a blender.
Add milk tablespoon by tablespoon into the blender until it reaches your desired creamy texture.
Scoop and serve!
Add almond if you're feeling nutty. Add chocolate sauce if you've done enough training to deserve it.

Easy peasy and yummy too.

2. Banana-chocolate-chip-overload bread pudding

Whisk:
2 eggs
1 tsp of vanilla extract
1/2 cup of sugar
1/4 tsp of salt
2 1/2 cups of milk

Mix in:
8 slices of bread- torn into smaller pieces (at least a day old bread)
3 sliced bananas (add more if you like)

Transfer everything in a greased baking tray and make sure the bread pieces are soaked.
Top it off with an infinite amount of raisins and/or chocolate chips.
Bake for 50 - 60mins at 170 degrees Celsius (until toothpick comes out clean- which I never really know the reliability of this test because my toothpick never does come out clean for any dish I make but they still taste good.)

I love to eat it warm especially when it is served with vanilla ice cream. But definitely not athlete's food so eat just a few spoonfuls and share the remaining of the bread pudding with your skinny friends who eat alot but never grow fat (we will for sure have a few of those annoying friends).

Put chocolate sauce on the side instead of on the bread pudding to look fancy like that.

--

How about that? A future Martha Stewart probably? Or more like a Jamie Oliver of sports?

Let me know if you'd like to know more recipes. I'll vary between healthy (and I promise, yummy) stuff and food that you can make but you shouldn't be eating (which makes you wonder why you'd want to make it if you won't be eating it) in case life gives you a bunch of food that you don't know what to do with, like how I ended up with a whole lot of bananas and a loaf of bread which was going to expire. (Otherwise I wouldn't bother making bread pudding!)

Enjoy! ^^

October resolutions- of goal setting and (my logic on) how to achieve your goals

You know how we all set New Year resolutions at the start of the year and then by January 10 or so we chuck these goals aside and let them collect dust in the darkest corner of our lives. And then comes June where we tell ourselves that we will review our resolutions to see how far we have come but only to realise that we are nowhere near where we hope to be. This problem is called being a normal human being. We will get distracted and tend to lose focus on our goals because we are easily convinced that there are more important things to achieve like completing Season 9 of How I Met Your Mother.

Like you, I am experiencing the normal human being problem too. I have a list of things I was so determined to achieve at the start of the year and now on this very day in October, when I suddenly thought of my new year resolutions, it is really sad that not only do I not remember what they are, I am pretty sure I wrote them down somewhere and I can't find it. This problem is called being an Aisyah.

This thoughts about my goals for the year came into my mind because I realised, apart from losing in the Asian Games (yes, I am still not over it. Bahahha!) I haven't really achieved anything, have I?

Being endorsed by a sports apparel company wasn't in my new year resolution so that's a bonus. (Thank you, Under Armour.) It is already October and my medal count in NIL. I am a professional athlete and that is sad news but again, success isn't defined by the number of medals you win in a year, right?

So I've set myself an updated version of my new year (fitness) resolutions for 2014 just so that when the year ends at least I know I've achieved something. If you've been part of the Singapore education system, you will very much be familiar with the SMART way of goal setting so my goals are very much specific, measurable, achieveable, realistic and timely. (I hope I got the acronyms right, lol). And I've read somewhere that if you tell others about your goals, you are more likely to stick to wanting to achieve them. So here is the list v2:

1. To be able to do 10 chin ups (over hand grip) in one go. (Currently I can do 3, and my PB is 6.)

2. To be able to do a handstand. (I cannot even brave myself to stand on my hands with my feet on a wall!!!)

3. To run a 10km in 40mins. (The last time I did an official 10k race was in 2012 with a timing of 52mins without any training.)

4. To be able to pull a distance of 7510m in 30mins on the rowing machine. (Current personal record was 7503m set in Feb 2014.)

5. To run a half marathon. (The longest official run I did was the Urbanathlon last year of 14km.)

6. To be able to do a 6mins plank. (Did a 6mins last year. Once.)

7. To do 10 pistol squat on each leg unassisted. (Currently can manage 10 but with assistance.)

8. To be able to swim 5 laps along the pool without rest. (Now I will be happy to finish 1 lap without rest.)

9. To be able to sit on the bike for 2 hours without rest. (Most number of minutes I sat in the stationary bike was 90.)

10. To get back into doing Bikram Yoga.

And of course by doing all these, my ultimate goal is to lose my body fat % of which I have no idea what's my current score. (I've set an appointment with the nutritionist on Thursday which I am not looking forward to meeting. Reminds me of the primary school days when we pray hard not to be called to see the dentist because she is an evil witch. But of course my nutritionist isn't anything like that. It's just the vernier calipers that she carries around measuring the fat around your body which makes you feel insecure about yourself for a while. Bah.)

And of course as you already know, there is no such thing as spot reduction. So if you want to lose your body weight or body fat, you gotta work on your whole body and do all the aspects of fitness (I.e. cardio, strength and flexibility) so if you realise (which I just realised as well), my goals are diverse in such a way that they work on the different parts of the body and makes me achieve the 3 aspects too! Yay to an awesome aisyah by year end!

I'm gonna write these goals down and put it on the bedroom wall where I can see it everyday when I wake up. (Also a tip on how to set your goals and how to keep motivated to work towards them.)

It's never too late to review your fitness goals as well. I am motivated to post up my trainings towards these goals so watch this space! ^^

#IWILLWHATIWANT

I AM OKAY.

It's interesting how people are so concerned about me after I lost.

 

Havent you heard? I lost.

 

Coming in 4th doesn't sound that bad at all, but to come in 4th out of 4 boats? GAH.

Like how Yahoo puts in nicely; DEAD LAST. To me, it is still considered a loss although I know most of you would try to convince me that I shouldn't look at it that way. As much as I'd love to be optimistic, you have to be realistic. I lost. But, but, but, I AM OKAY. I really am. No more crying over a medal I didn''t win. No more mourning over the past. In fact, I was okay a long time ago. I've been quiet because I've been busy. Not busy like post SEA-Games where every media wanted me to appear in their programme or page, but busy like, like...

 

oh man. I was busy doing things I don't even remember doing.

 

Maybe I was busy fixing relationships and doing things that make me happy like running and eating beancurd (because the soy in Sydney tastes like raw beans and I wish Mr Bean would open a franchise here).

 

When I went back to Singapore, Nadzrie asked me, what is that one thing I'd love to do since now that training isn't so intensive and I won't be back in the boat for another few weeks. The answer: NOTHING. I'd love to wake up knowing that I have absolutely nothing to do and going to bed having done nothing the whole day. But because I only had 5 days in Singapore, doing nothing is near impossible. There's always something that I have to do.

 

But the support I receive from my family and friends, and from people on the internet (I can't say "fellow Singaporeans" anymore because it's amazing to know that people living outside of Singapore know about my existence too), are heart-warming. So thank you to everyone who have given me a hug or two, thank you to everyone who have left me a message telling me that I am still a winner in their eyes (so corny, I love it) THANK YOU for all your attempts to cheer me up or to spur me on to look towards the future, my next goal. I AM OKAY.

 

So, the Asian Games journey has taught me plenty of things. Rule #1 as an athlete: Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. I've learnt that winning takes more than months of training, more than dedicating your life to your sport, more than putting aside your life to achieve your dreams. It takes more than that. What's more than that? That is for each of us to find out on our own. I haven't found out what's more than that. If I knew, I would have already won the race.

 

I'm still looking for the answer. The secret to winning. I found it last year when I won the SEA Games but this is like the next level and you have to find the key to meet the boss and unlock an achievement, like that. I haven't found that key to meet the boss. Like how Mario has to kill the boss to save Princess Peach and the boss gets harder at every level. Life is a game, as you progress, get stronger and better, it only becomes tougher. But unlike a game you can't press pause or restart when it's game over.

 

Now, I'm back in Sydney, leaving life behind in Singapore again. Strange how people tell me, "living the life aye?" And I'm like, "more like, leaving the life." #TrueStory

 

It's getting tiring leaving and coming home. But staying here is good for me.

 

And then when I come back to race in the SEA Games, I know that I will conquer.

 

Which reminds me of Pitbull's Fireball song: "I saw, I came, I conquered. Or should I say, I saw, I conquered, I came. This little chico on fire and he no liar." HE IS HILARIOUS, this Mr 305, Mr International. HAHAHAHA.

 

But, you know what's the hardest thing after you finish a major race?

Going back to square one, back to the long-ass trainings, the lonely days in the gym and along the beach, back to everything I hated and things I tell myself to make me enjoy what I'm doing, not that I hate training, but there are some days when you wish you didn't had training or feel a little lazy (I'm human too you know?).

 

Here's an interesting read when World Rowing asked an Olympic Gold medallist from Great Britain, Alex Gregory, "What's the hardest training session that you've ever done?"
AG: There have been many tough sessions but one in particular springs to mind. It was the first week back to training after the London Olympics. I was pretty unfit, and still deciding my plans for the future I was finding the motivation to train a bit of a struggle. We were five minutes into a huge weights circuit session which I knew was going to last for two hours. Already the weights were too heavy for me, everything was burning, I was drenched in sweat and knew it wasn't going to get any easier. For a moment I stopped, turned towards the door and imagined walking out never to return, I had my gold medal after all. But thankfully for whatever reason I turned back to the weights which were too heavy and continued to lift them for another 1hour 55 minutes. I'm so glad now I didn't walk away at that moment, I'd never have forgiven myself.

 

There you go. A Champ right there.

 

Let's keep looking for our answers.

 

Meanwhile, if you're wondering how I'm doing, I'M OKAY :)

What a Singaporean girl is made of;

The Asian Games is finally here. I am actually in Korea, waiting for the big day to come. Shit just got real. I don’t know which is worse, the race itself or the days leading up to the race. These are the kinds of days that make you wonder, “Why did I choose this path again? Why did I not listen to the world and lead an ordinary life where job interviews or probably end year work appraisals make you worried the most? WHAT DID I PUT MYSELF INTO?”

It is scary, as much as I try to tell myself that it is not, it is.

It is definitely beyond nerving to be the only athlete in the whole of Asia representing Singapore here. Asia, mind you. Asia.

When I thought being the only rower at last year’s SEA Games was bad enough, at least in Myanmar, I was staying in the Games Village where I was surrounded by fellow Team Singapore mates. I had people to talk to other than my coach, things to do to take my mind off rowing once in a while. Now I am staying in a sub-Games Village, 2.5hrs away from everyone else. There is absolutely nothing in the village except for a small convenient store which is as wide as my wingspan. I do bid the occasional his and byes to the athletes from the other countries, but that’s just about it. It is so far, when I needed to see the physio, she travelled a total of 5hours just to see me for an hour, and she spent 90% of the time looking at my back and hair instead of my face. HAHA. But I gotta remind myself what I’m here for: to show Asia what a Singaporean girl is made of.

What am I made of?

But then again, SO WHAT? So what if I’m alone here? Being alone doesn’t give me a reason to row slower or doesn’t make me any weaker. It doesn’t put me in any disadvantage at all! In fact, it gives me a sense of pride and honour to be the only Singaporean out there on the water everyday. It makes me secretly feel a tad awesome or two (well, not so secret anymore). But yeah, it’s not sad being the only athlete anymore. I’ve gotten over being sad. I’m so used to being alone already having to thrive in Sydney on my own. I think being alone here is a privilege. Yay.

Athlete's Sub-Village at Chungju

And and and, to think about it, I have my family and friends back at home, and in Sydney too, cheering me on (I hope) haha! Things are not so bad after all. ^^

I found out that Mio won’t be telecasting my race, but it’s okay, because they better be when I’m racing in Singapore in June. They better.

Again, I shall remind myself that nothing will rattle me at this point of time.

Life for the past week has literally been eat, sleep, row. It has become such a routine that sometimes I wonder if my heart and brain are functioning because things happen to be on auto-pilot mode. In exactly a week’s time, the daily grind of training, eating very little in order to make weight for my race and sleeping because there is nothing else to do out here will be over. But of course, I shouldn’t be thinking too far ahead. I’m taking in one day at a time, one session after another. I wake up everyday, feeling blessed to be here. Look at how far I’ve come. I was reading through my old blog posts about how the SEA Games cycle has repeated itself for 4 times (i.e. 2005, 2007, 2011 and 2013) and now I have a new addition to the cycle of major events and I AM ACTUALLY HERE RIGHT NOW.

Talking about old blog posts, oh how I love reading about those days when I whine and gripe every single day about how much I dislike work and wish I am a full-time athlete.

I guess it’s really true that dreams do come true :)

--

So, I’m racing on Sunday at 1050am Korean Time (which is 950am SG Time).

It’s really interesting how I reckon I’ve raced at least a hundred times in my life yet I still feel nervous as hell for every single race! It definitely doesn’t get easier, but it’s good to know that harder competition means you’ve just unlocked the next level as a rower! If it was easy, everybody will do it!

THIS IS GONNA BE PRETTY EXCITING. WOOHOO.

I think I was born to do this.

xx

Sunset at the race venue

5 days in Singapore

"I think Aisyah was driven not just because she was rowing for herself, but for the future of the sport in Singapore." Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said at the Berita Harian Achiever of the Year 2014 Ceremony at Shangri-La last week.

 

(more of his speech here: http://www.pmo.gov.sg/content/pmosite/mediacentre/speechesninterviews/primeminister/2014/August/prime-minister-lee-hsien-loongs-speech-at-berita-harian-anugerah.html#.U_6H47PlpgA_)

Another story to tell my grandkids. My grandkids will be so grateful I don't have to repeat my stories because there's plenty to share, haha!

I surprised my mum by coming home for a few days last week. She pretended she "knew what was going on", I told her, "Don't bedek." but I'm glad she was happy. What made her even happier was when I was awarded the Anugerah Jauhari in the BH Achiever Awards. This is the second year running they're awarding to youths below 30 (thankfully I'm still eligible lol) and coincidentally, last year, it was awarded to a 19-year-old President's Scholar with the same dad's name as my dad. I mean, how rare it is to find dads with a name Mohamed Rafa'ee and there you go, the two of us, Anugerah Jauhari, yo. 

Had my first ever press conference on the morning of the award ceremony. I was nervous as hell! I didn't know what to wear! Was considering between a UA Batgirl Tee or a plain grey tanktop with a pencil skirt and an Under Armour hoodie. I went with the latter, although both sounds pretty casual, they could have denied my entrance to the press conference if I was anymore laid-back than that! (Also, thankfully I wore UA gear because UA people were asking me why I wasn't wearing UA stuff for it and I showed them this photo LOL)

 

 

Under Armour said, "Okay next time we'll give you attire with the logo on the shoulder or chest."

The main winner, the ustaz from RRG, touched on really heavy and deep stuff which made me feel like I had nothing good to say about saving the world or touching the hearts of the community, which made me feel a little sad. But I felt stupid for being sad because I WAS FRIKKING SITTING AT A PRESS CONFERENCE TABLE THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SAD ABOUT! So I lifted my chin up and smile. I answered the the media's questions to the best of my ability. I think I did pretty well. I deserve a pat on my back.

The excitement didn't end there. The award was presented to me by PM Lee himself and I was so excited to meet him in person, so much so that when I shook his hand, I didn't know what to say and blurted out, "How was your day, Mr Lee?" and that was about the only thing I asked him that night.

Superfailblog.com

Reminded me of the day I met Minister Teo Chee Hean at the Peter Lim Scholarship Ceremony last year and all I said to him was, "You're tall, sir!" and he said, "So are you!"

#OMGWHATISWRONGWITHME

I must have a list of PROPER things to say to Ministers the next time I attend such events. GAAAH.

Anyway, the award night went awesome. I was so, so, so honoured to be receiving the award in front of the most influential people in the Malay/Muslim community in Singapore. And I had to deliver a Thank-You speech, I felt like I just won the Oscars.

The speech.

You can read it here: sph.com.sg/system/assets/1535/Saiyidah%20Aisyah%20Speech.pdf

Took me hours to ponder through it, finding the right things to say, making sure I don't bore the audience with my Thank You list.

 

 

Finally done with the speech on the way to the Award Ceremony!!!

Thankfully, the speech went well. And even more thankfully, people loved it. They came up to me to tell me that the speech was beautiful. Thank you :)

It was amazing when so many important Malay/Muslim community people coming up to me to congratulate me and taking photos with me. It was as though I just won the Gold medal again. It was amazeballs (which in case you didn't know is already in the Oxford Dictionary: Amazeballs- extremely good or impressive).

It is really, really comforting to know that people still care if I am getting the right amount of support for my rowing career. I get asked a lot about this funding issue and to make things clear for everyone, I am currently on No-Pay Leave with Ngee Ann Polytechnic and the Sport Singapore is making up for my "loss of wages" with a grant to support my full-time training. It is not much, but it is sufficient to put a roof over my head and some good food in my tummy. There is support, there can and should be more support for local athletes like me, but I can assure you that there is support, and it is growing. And the thing is, we have to stop depending on the government to grow the local talents that we have here to build a sporting nation. It has to start from each and everyone of us, taking the initiative to show support to the local athletes, whether in terms of monetary or even as simple as showing us your emotional support. Knowing that there are at least 5 million people supporting us from the stands, gives us that additional boost to make the nation proud.

 

Okay,

TIME TO STOP BEING DISTRACTED WITH ALL THE ATTENTION.

That's why I'm back here in Sydney, training my ass off for the last few weeks before I depart for my first ever Asian Games.

Pretty stoked!

It was a good trip back, I reckon. I managed to catch up with some friends whom have just joined me in the "let's put a hold on our jobs and go chase our dreams" (please consult your respective superiors before signing up) and had a good laugh during lunch with my colleagues. And then, I realised how lucky I am to be doing what I'm doing now. I do miss work, and I miss Singapore, sometimes (when it gets too cold here), and I miss my home and my family. But this, this thing I'm doing now, this is just like waking up to a dream come true every single day of my life. Alhamdullilah. Alhamdullilah. Alhamdullilah. I cannot be anymore grateful for this. And I remind myself everyday to be grateful for this. Everyday.

And lastly, thank you Berita Harian for awarding me with the Anugerah Jauhari. It means a lot to me knowing that what I thought initially was just a selfish reason to chase my dreams and to prove people wrong became a story to motivate our youths to fight for their dreams.

Like I said in my speech, "stay strong, because you'll never know who you might inspire."

xx

 

It's one of those days

 

Everyday I wake up takes me one day closer to the Asian Games.

 

The other day, when it was raining buckets in the morning, I didn't just wake up and got ready for training, but I woke up at 4:45am, not giving a thought about snoozing or going back to bed, cold as hell, shivering to my bones from the 7 degrees weather (which weatherman said it feels like 1 degree, which I cannot agree more) and I actually had the mental capacity to even think about something I posted on Facebook the night before- AT 4:45AM YES. And it got me to not only get out of bed but I literally sprung out of bed.

 

"I do question why I am doing it, quite frequently. Partly, it is just seeing how good I can get. And also an intrinsic desire not to let the pain beat me. With this sport you have a long-term goal: Four years to the Olympics. If you commit, to give up halfway would be failure, admitting you are not good enough, that you have been beaten," says 2 times Gold medallist in the Olympics, Andrew Triggs Hodge from Team GB.

 

I was ready to conquer the cold, the rain, the water and the world.

 

And then I realised, everyday I wake up, it not only takes me closer to the Asian Games, but also the SEA Games next year, and eventually the Olympics.

 

It seems like a long way to go, but hell no, we know 2 years is not long.

 

Two years.

 

--

 

And then there were the days when it was almost perfect conditions to row, like today. 8 degrees (a bit chilly but it was okay). Very little wind. By the time we got our boats on water, the sun was already out, keeping us warm, making it "just right". It couldn't have been any better than this.

 

And then, when you start doing the pieces, your brain started to wander away. You thought about how hot and humid it will be like back in Singapore. You thought about how strong your competitors are and you start to get worried when the race is 6 weeks away. Your mind flicked back to the piece you were doing. Your boat is not moving as fast as it should be. Your legs are burning and it is only 2 minutes into the piece and you have 27mins more to go. Your back feels tired. You were suddenly thinking about how to breathe properly. Your lungs hurt from trying to gasp for air more than you needed to. You were so slow during the piece if you were the coach, you'd throw an oar at your rower. I'm quite surprised my coach didn't actually do that.

 

I was so awful today, I actually cried because I sucked.

 

And then, I stopped crying and started thinking. I told myself that crying wasn't gonna help. My unglamorous face with tears streaming down wasn't gonna make the boat move any faster. My coach is not gonna take pity on me (hell no) and no way is he gonna send me back (and even if he did send me back, I have to row the course back). And I got reminded of what my teammate, Rowena, said: Survival of the Strongest.

 

Only the strongest will survive this game, Aisyah.

 

And then my brain switched on and on the second piece back home, I went strong and fast. My legs were tired, my lungs did hurt, but being tired from pulling hard is heaps better than being tired from being slow and weak.

 

My coach reminded me that we are short of time right now and every single training session matters and I have to give it my all for every session. Of course, it is easier said than done. And as we all know, we can't have good days everyday. But he is right (isn't he always right? That's why he's a coach). Every. Single. Training. Matters.

 

After training today, Rowena asked me, "What happened? Are you okay?"

 

I said, "It's just one of those days you feel like crap."

 

But this is my job and like your job, there are days when things just don't go right. Like your job, I have to give 100% to each session, but sometimes at 6am, your brain doesn't seem to co-operate you have to slap yourself hard to wake it up. Like your job, I have targets and goals too, and mine are reviewed every single day, with my coach right next to me. It feels like having your boss sitting right next to you at work everyday. Very comforting, I know. But it makes you be on the balls of your feet all the time. It can be tiring, but you know it's good for you.

 

My job doesn't pay me in cash or cheque like yours, but it gives me the satisfaction of knowing that I'm one step closer towards making my dreams become reality. I may whine about almost everything  but there is never a day that goes by without me being so grateful I chose this path. Sometimes, shit happens and I wonder why I'm doing this, like today. Sometimes, life can be sad and miserable and awful and it makes me want to give up on my dreams and go home. But like PMS-filled days, they will pass. Like today, today will pass and it will be better tomorrow.

 

--

 

And to end it in a lighter note, I have shifted out of James and Annie's to rent a room near Manly beach (which is so awesome because I love Manly) and am staying with a single mum with 2 amazing daughters. It was pretty exciting looking for a home, I must say. I went for several house inspections which was scary at first because you have to step out of your comfort zone knocking on doors of strangers and walking around their houses- I have a Pros and Cons list for the houses I visited, how cool is that! Some houses were really close to the beach like I could do a standing board jump and I'm on the sand, but my friends advised me about the people I'm staying with which actually matters the most, although you are more likely to think about how nice the house is and its proximity to the beach or the training centre or the city. And another thing that I had to consider was whether I want to come home to a family, or to a single guy/girl who would mind his/her own business and I chose the former. Also, since I'm driving Lizzi's car at the moment, I got myself a parking permit. At the rate I'm going, maybe I should just live here permanently and find an Aussie husband, no? HAHA!

 

Talking about husbands and what nots. My girlfriend just got married and I totally missed her beautiful wedding. And with that being said, I also missed the dinner with some ministers and the President, on top of not being at home for Eid.

 

And a wise guy said to me, "What is more important? Chasing your dreams or making theses people happy?"

 

And still on this topic of husbands (are we still on it?), the radio DJ said, "sometimes we're single at the wrong time." And it made me sad a little, because what she said was followed by Sigma's:

 

I know you're tired of loving, of loving
With nobody to love, nobody, nobody

 

And then I felt stupid for feeling sad because life is awesome the way it is now. So shut up, Sigma.

 

xx

 

Hello August;

I've decided to move my blog here because it is heaps easier to upload a post and I can put many photos too ^^

---

I was meant to upload a blog post about how excited I was for the Commonwealth Regatta but due to unforeseen circumstances (UGH!) I am not going for it.

 

When I heard the news that I won't be going to Glasgow, I was actually pretty cool about it. I remembered my coach sitting on the gym bench and I was doing my stretches on the floor, and I was like, okay, maybe it is okay if I can't go. Maybe it's the best option for me.

And then we had a normal discussion about our Plan B. Everything seemed to be under control.

Or so I thought.

And then I went home and the news started to sink in.

And I cried so hard my eyes actually hurt.

And then I thought about how much I wished I had a shoulder to cry on at that moment, but all I had was my pillow. And it made me cry even harder.

#likeababy

But I am not ashamed to tell the world that I cried like one. Because I was in so much pain. I was so hurt, so frustrated, disappointed, I felt so down and miserable, all I wanted to do was to hide under my blankets for the rest of my life.

 

Within minutes (I'm sure I didn't cry for hours- I think), I got out of bed and went for a run.

And everything went back to normal.

If in doubt, run, they say.

When I stopped running, I felt miserable again.

But you can't run forever, can you?

 

And then Hari Raya came. And I was expecting to cry buckets because I'm spending it here alone but I didn't. Maybe I was out of tears from the excessive crying from a few days back. Or maybe because I got to spend it with my relatives whom I finally found living in Sydney (yay! first piece of good news!)

 

So I've been spending lots of time over at Eastwood where my aunt, her husband and daughter lives. My 6 year old adorable cousin has been such a sweetie and her presence just makes all the gloomy-moominess go away. Also, I started baking again (first time baking after like a year) which feels so, damn good. There is just something about baking that makes it so therapeutic. I got hooked. I baked cheesesticks, honey joys, brownies, chocolate chip cookies and I wanted to go on to bake cheesecakes, scones, macaroons and biscuits but I would save it for another time.

 

It feels like home whenever I'm over at my aunt's. We had rendang, sayur lodeh and ketupat as well as chili prawns and chili crab! Last night, we had gado-gado. How exciting! Although when my coach reads this, he's going to go berserk! But it's Raya, coach! Just one day. or two. I kid, I kid. I mean, I paid $200 to see a dietician, I better listen to her advice, no?

 

--

 

Now that Commonwealth Regatta has been put out of the way, I don't know what else to look forward to. As much as I am excited about the Asian Games, I wish 7 weeks will pass really slowly because there is so much to do within these 7 weeks. It's gonna be hectic, but I guess, we should treasure whatever comes our way! Like waking up everyday knowing that I can row- it is just one of the best feelings in the world right now and I am glad I have made the choice to turn professional.

 

Although it is really hard to be here alone sometimes (and yes, despite the smiling selfies and gorgeous photos that you see on my Instagram and FaceBook), it just feels different when you're away from home. Yes, #idontwannagohome cuz Sydney is so beautiful and life seems almost perfect here as a rower, and I should be used to it because I've done this for many, many months. But I guess, they're right, there's no place like home.

 

Unless of course, people at home move over here in Sydney, then life would be oh-so perfect.

But no, life doesn't work that way.

 

7 weeks. Let's do this.