I AM OKAY.

It's interesting how people are so concerned about me after I lost.

 

Havent you heard? I lost.

 

Coming in 4th doesn't sound that bad at all, but to come in 4th out of 4 boats? GAH.

Like how Yahoo puts in nicely; DEAD LAST. To me, it is still considered a loss although I know most of you would try to convince me that I shouldn't look at it that way. As much as I'd love to be optimistic, you have to be realistic. I lost. But, but, but, I AM OKAY. I really am. No more crying over a medal I didn''t win. No more mourning over the past. In fact, I was okay a long time ago. I've been quiet because I've been busy. Not busy like post SEA-Games where every media wanted me to appear in their programme or page, but busy like, like...

 

oh man. I was busy doing things I don't even remember doing.

 

Maybe I was busy fixing relationships and doing things that make me happy like running and eating beancurd (because the soy in Sydney tastes like raw beans and I wish Mr Bean would open a franchise here).

 

When I went back to Singapore, Nadzrie asked me, what is that one thing I'd love to do since now that training isn't so intensive and I won't be back in the boat for another few weeks. The answer: NOTHING. I'd love to wake up knowing that I have absolutely nothing to do and going to bed having done nothing the whole day. But because I only had 5 days in Singapore, doing nothing is near impossible. There's always something that I have to do.

 

But the support I receive from my family and friends, and from people on the internet (I can't say "fellow Singaporeans" anymore because it's amazing to know that people living outside of Singapore know about my existence too), are heart-warming. So thank you to everyone who have given me a hug or two, thank you to everyone who have left me a message telling me that I am still a winner in their eyes (so corny, I love it) THANK YOU for all your attempts to cheer me up or to spur me on to look towards the future, my next goal. I AM OKAY.

 

So, the Asian Games journey has taught me plenty of things. Rule #1 as an athlete: Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. I've learnt that winning takes more than months of training, more than dedicating your life to your sport, more than putting aside your life to achieve your dreams. It takes more than that. What's more than that? That is for each of us to find out on our own. I haven't found out what's more than that. If I knew, I would have already won the race.

 

I'm still looking for the answer. The secret to winning. I found it last year when I won the SEA Games but this is like the next level and you have to find the key to meet the boss and unlock an achievement, like that. I haven't found that key to meet the boss. Like how Mario has to kill the boss to save Princess Peach and the boss gets harder at every level. Life is a game, as you progress, get stronger and better, it only becomes tougher. But unlike a game you can't press pause or restart when it's game over.

 

Now, I'm back in Sydney, leaving life behind in Singapore again. Strange how people tell me, "living the life aye?" And I'm like, "more like, leaving the life." #TrueStory

 

It's getting tiring leaving and coming home. But staying here is good for me.

 

And then when I come back to race in the SEA Games, I know that I will conquer.

 

Which reminds me of Pitbull's Fireball song: "I saw, I came, I conquered. Or should I say, I saw, I conquered, I came. This little chico on fire and he no liar." HE IS HILARIOUS, this Mr 305, Mr International. HAHAHAHA.

 

But, you know what's the hardest thing after you finish a major race?

Going back to square one, back to the long-ass trainings, the lonely days in the gym and along the beach, back to everything I hated and things I tell myself to make me enjoy what I'm doing, not that I hate training, but there are some days when you wish you didn't had training or feel a little lazy (I'm human too you know?).

 

Here's an interesting read when World Rowing asked an Olympic Gold medallist from Great Britain, Alex Gregory, "What's the hardest training session that you've ever done?"
AG: There have been many tough sessions but one in particular springs to mind. It was the first week back to training after the London Olympics. I was pretty unfit, and still deciding my plans for the future I was finding the motivation to train a bit of a struggle. We were five minutes into a huge weights circuit session which I knew was going to last for two hours. Already the weights were too heavy for me, everything was burning, I was drenched in sweat and knew it wasn't going to get any easier. For a moment I stopped, turned towards the door and imagined walking out never to return, I had my gold medal after all. But thankfully for whatever reason I turned back to the weights which were too heavy and continued to lift them for another 1hour 55 minutes. I'm so glad now I didn't walk away at that moment, I'd never have forgiven myself.

 

There you go. A Champ right there.

 

Let's keep looking for our answers.

 

Meanwhile, if you're wondering how I'm doing, I'M OKAY :)