Read an article that my psychologists sent me and one of the things I took away was that:
DON'T BE GOOD, GET BETTER.
Life is about constantly upgrading yourself to be the best version that you can possibly be.
Which reminds me of one of the trainings I had on water and I was telling my coach that I feel like I'm pushing too hard and he was like,
"there's no such thing as pushing too hard."
If you think you're pushing hard, your opponents are pushing harder.
You better damn well push harder.
Sounds easy peasy lemon squeezy. Just push hard, he says.
The weather in Sydney is slowly becoming colder and colder each day. Autumn is such a lovely season- not for rowers though, especially not for a rower who comes from one of the hottest and most humid countries in Asia. Morning rows can be quite excruciating, having to bear with the cold winds, even with at least 6 pieces of clothings on me. The air is so dry, any day without a layer of lip balm I'll end up having to live through the day tasting blood from my cracked lips. The sun is starting to rise later by the day, sometimes when we launch our boats, it is pitch dark. When you set out in the open water and look up at the sky to see the moon and stars still there and you got reminded of how seeing the night sky used to mean that it is time to sleep, you ask yourself, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
The beach is no more a favourite hangout place. In the day, I'm usually trapped under the blankets where it's nice and warm. Sometimes I feel like a vampire. At the rate I'm going and with so minimal sun exposure, I might end up being fair and actually look like a vampire. (Plus, with the blood on my lips!)
My friends in SG were complaining about the heat and humidity and wishing they were in Sydney.
Oh life. The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it?
Training has been going pretty well, Alhamdullilah. Trainings are hard, they are supposed to be hard. I've been thinking about my life as a professional athlete all these years. It has been 2 years since I decided to take on this path and not once have I regretted my choice. My bank account might disagree with me but hey, when I'm done with my rowing, I'll be feeding my bank account again, InsyaAllah. Right now, thinking about money just frustrates me and spending all your energy being so pissed about something that I pretty much can't do anything about will only leave me with lesser energy to focus on the more important things in life- Like going really fast in the boat. Sometimes, it is easy for me to say, Ahh, don't have to worry about money because money won't make my boat faster but when I have to pay for rent in Sydney, I feel the pinch. Babe, it hurts. Sometimes, you try to not make a big deal about how much it hurts but sometimes when you let down your guard, that's when all the reality starts to seep in and you're like Oh Fuck, I'm broke.
STOP TALKING ABOUT MONEY.
I'm 27, all my savings dried on surviving in Sydney. That's my sob story. Okay, done wincing.
Yea, I actually turned 27 like about 3 weeks ago. I celebrated my birthday with an erg in the morning because it was too windy to row. And then an hour cycle and ended my day with lifting weights in the gym. You might think I had the worst birthday in my life but in fact, being able to do all that, I am grateful. I am grateful for being 27 and fkg fit and strong. I am so thankful to be able to train again without pain. And most importantly, I am still and always will be ever so grateful to be able to live a life as a professional athlete. That, I believe, was the best birthday present I gave myself.
Another present that I gave myself was a hair makeover. Not really a fancy makeover shit kind of thing but I cut my fringe and shaved 10 years off my face. lol. There right there, is humility as its best.
Social media is an evil thing. Showing me the buzz that is happening around in Singapore, the nation celebrating the arrival of the SEA Games which is just around the corner (3 weeks of around the corner to be exact), seeing photos of people training with their teammates and posting quotes like, "these are the people who get me through hard trainings" and suddenly you feel like the shittiest and lonliest person in the world and all you want to do is cry into your pillow. Yes, it does hurt. And common sense would tell you to GET OFF THAT FACEBOOK and start living your life you have here in Sydney but sometimes stupidity kicks in and shit like that happens.
Yes, Sydney is gorgeous. I am living the life of a paid professional athlete in such a beautiful country. My Instagram shows you how happy I am to be here. My Facebook says I'm doing great. I am, I am. I'm happy. And when I'm happy, my boat goes fast, and that makes me happy, and it goes in full circle. On my off days, I get to travel around New South Wales. I am fortunate to be able to run along the most beautiful coastlines in Australia. I GET TO BE A MUSHROOM HUNTER FOR A DAY, which was so exciting and it inspired me to want to share my experience and I decided to become a writer on Weekendnotes and they don't pay a lot (1 cent per reader and I'm not kidding you) but hey, you gotta start somewhere, no?
Read about my mushroom foraging experience here (and yes, you clicking on the link helps increase the reader stat to my article and you hitting the like button if you enjoyed reading my article helps as well!): http://www.weekendnotes.com/mushroom-foraging-oberon/
And did you know that I drove 3hrs from Sydney to run a 10km race on my rest day which I didn't train for at all and ended up in 3rd position with a personal best timing of 44mins 11s and I won $40, a medal, and a bag? It was so random I had to put it here! And here's a random selfie with my prize money for you!
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| The $40 I won and my new fringe |
You see, social media is evil! It shows you only the good bits in my life! The days when my hair looks perfect. The smile that tells you that everything is going great. The adventures I get myself in!
But well, what Instagram doesn't tell you is the 430am alarm clocks that I set every single morning which you might think I'm pretty much should be "used to" but after 10 years of waking up before the world does, it takes more than getting "used to". It is more like, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING NOW and just fkg dress up and show up. Yes, even after 10 years, sometimes (honestly, most of the time) waking up that early is painful but I think that's what separate athletes from other human beings- the ability to tell your mind to shut the hell up and go do what you're supposed to do.
But well, what Instagram doesn't tell you is the 430am alarm clocks that I set every single morning which you might think I'm pretty much should be "used to" but after 10 years of waking up before the world does, it takes more than getting "used to". It is more like, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE FEELING NOW and just fkg dress up and show up. Yes, even after 10 years, sometimes (honestly, most of the time) waking up that early is painful but I think that's what separate athletes from other human beings- the ability to tell your mind to shut the hell up and go do what you're supposed to do.
Other things social media doesn't tell you are the days when things don't go right and sitting on the boat feels like I've never rowed before in my life and having to accept such days and move on. The mornings I sit on the kitchen table eating breakfast alone. The times where I bawl my eyes out for no apparent reason (or maybe because I'm a girl and PMS does shit to my hormones like that). The afternoon sessions in the gym knowing that my teammates back at home are training together, pushing each other on and I only have my playlist to motivate me. "THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I REALLY AM," Nickelback shouts to me through the speakers. Yea, Instagram doesn't tell you the full story. The other side of life as an athlete- the one that will make me indestructible.
Sometimes I wish I am back home, training with my teammates, attending all these events that Singapore Sports have lined up for us for the upcoming SEA Games, being there with my family for Mother's Day, celebrating my sister's 18th birthday, waking up to hear my mum nag, bitching about coaches after trainings, having a social life, ALL THOSE COOL STUFF YOU THINK ATHLETES DO.
But most of the time, I feel stupid for wishing I'm back at home because not everyone gets to do what I'm doing right now. THIS SHIT IS HARD. So stop thinking that all I do here is train and enjoy because life is not that kind and simple.
Actually, you can think whatever you like. As long as I know that your thoughts won't affect my boat speed in any way, I am fine with it.
When I was back in Singapore, I was like, "Oh these people must be so disappointed in me," and then he told me, "Since when do you care what people say?"
Hit me in the face like a Ronda Rousey punch.
Oh, you're good, Nadzrie. You know me too well.
RANTING STOPS HERE.
3 weeks to one of the biggest games in my life. Racing this weekend in the NSW Masters (my first year as a Master- DONT YOU DARE LAUGH) and another race at the end of the month and then the SEA Games. May these last few trainings be the best I've ever had so that I can be the best version of myself for the Games. InsyaAllah.
xx
