Life Lessons from a Splint

Honestly, I don't even remember the last time I was injury-free. First there was the ribs, then the back, then the shoulders, then now the wrist. Really? Is this what its like to be a professional athlete? Is this normal? It worries me so much that I'm always having to see the doctor, go for X-rays, get MRI scans done, go for physio and rehab sessions, having consultations that cost a bomb, getting friendly with tapes and bandages and now a splint. It scares me that here I am putting my job on hold, saying no to a few thousand dollars in the bank every month, rejecting a safe and secured future, to take on a career not many individuals would risk doing, chasing a dream that seems so far-fetched, only to see my body not cooperating, only to be disappointed by my own self. Is this really what a professional athlete goes through? Or is it just me? Is it just my body being weak, not used to being pushed all the time? Is it just my imagination creating all these injuries? Is it just excuses I make up to earn the rest I think I deserve?

Do you know how painful it is to wake up every single day not being able to row? How hard it is to swallow down everything that the doctor tells me and what my coaches want me to do or in fact what not to do- which usually is harder for me to accept? How numb I've become to people telling me NO YOU CANT DO THIS and NO YOU'RE NOT FIT ENOUGH FOR THIS and YOU'RE TOO HEAVY? How unfair I think life is throwing me all these crap that makes my life so goddamn difficult when all I want to do is train and win. That's just it. Train and win. Am I making the life of another being hard if all I want to do is to train?

I know if you could, you'd want to give me one good slap right now. I know I should be grateful that I'm living the dream. I am given this chance to make my dreams become reality and the govt, companies, individuals are investing in me because they believe in me and here I am complaining about how tough life is and how it sucks to be injured. How ridiculous can Aisyah be? 

I don't need you to come up to me and give me a pat on my shoulder to tell me to stay strong. I don't need your pity that my arm is in a splint and that I can't row for another week or two and my life is a misery every single day that I can't row.

In fact, I'm telling you all these because I know that sometimes you think your life sucks too and sometimes you just want to give up and let go of everything you've worked hard for. Sometimes, you don't see a purpose to hang on to your goals anymore. Sometimes, shit happens and do what you want but shit is gonna happen and it might just happen right in front of your doorstep. Sometimes, the results don't really correlate with the effort you've put in. Sometimes, you just want to hide under your blankets and stay there until the storm passes. Sometimes, you wonder how some people can be so happy and positive all the freaking time. Sometimes, the grass always seems greener on the other side (wait, the grass ALWAYS seems to be greener on the other side). Sometimes, you just don't know why you're even alive.

So, so what if I know that you think life sucks too? Why did I spend the last 10 minutes whining about how awful my life is right now and yet hoping that you don't feel sorry for me? Why am I not the smiley, happy, positive-thinking Aisyah you see on your FB news feed every other minute or so? Because I'm human too. And I do feel sad and disappointed. I do lose motivation sometimes, honestly there are even days when I wake up not wanting to train because I do get lazy. I do have that little voice inside of me that keeps on whispering mean and nasty things to me that I don't want to hear like how tired I am and how it's okay if I skip a training because my coach would not know anyway. I do tell myself that I'm fat (and some of you might just be like ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DID YOU JUST SAY THAT? and roll your eyes at me) but to the eyes of my coaches, I am fat. My body fat percentage is ridiculously high for a lightweight rower.

What do I want to achieve out of telling you my deep dark secrets of being a lazy, whiny human being?

I just want the world to know that everyone has their bad days, or weeks, or months, or even a bad year (omg, tell me about having a bad year!). And that no matter how hard our lives seem to be, there will be someone out there having it harder, and still surviving, so there should be absolutely no reason for us to give up on something just because it seems hard to achieve. And when we've overcome our bad moments, if we have the chance to, we help others get out from their stormy days. When I feel like the world is crumbling down on me, other than seeking solace from God, I turn to people who I believe have gone through similar situations. That's why with this injury thing that I'm facing, stories of other athletes having to overcome injuries and coming out of them winning medals (and even becoming an Olympic champion) give me hope that everything will be okay. When I broke my nose last year, I read about the cyclist, Dinah Chan, who met with an accident a few months before the SEA Games and how she sprung back into training. And we both eventually became Gold medallists. When I won that Gold, (I hope) I gave light to those who feel like no one believes in them to achieve their dreams- because the only belief you need is the belief in yourself (which sounds terribly cheesy but is so true, I swear by it).

(I'm also telling you all these because I may be smiling in my selfies with my splint but deep down inside, all I want to do is throw this splint out of the car and drive over it so I don't have to see it ever again.)

So yea, back to my injury. Basically it's just a minor tear on a cartilage on my wrist and something about my bones rubbing against each other. It doesn't sound as bad as it looks so don't worry, I'm doing fine. It sucks to know that I can't row while it's recovering but with the great increment in the amount of time I spent running, it serves as a good training for my half marathon race this December. And with the immense numbers of hours I spend on the bike, I am sub-consciously mentally training myself not to go crazy.

(I love how my mind has the ability to see the good out of something bad. That's why I believe that it's a gift for me to make the world a better place to live in. I love how I think I can change the world too. HAHAHA.)

With that whole lot of rant, I hope people realise that life is full of shit and we've already got enough shit from life the last thing we want to do is add on to the shit in others' lives. BE NICE TO EACH OTHER. Amen.