Racing is in my blood.

I thought I'd drop a quick note to tell the world that I'm doing fine. The homesickness is slowly fading away as things are starting to get pretty serious down here with all the races that are lined up weekend after weekend. Yesterday was the start of my season. 

I've settled in a cosy home with a 60 year old lady as a flatmate and we share absolutely nothing in common except for the love of being alone and sleeping early. Wanted to buy a used car for $800 but when I went to inspect it at someone's backyard, I found the car pretty shady. The interior roof lining was falling apart, the car smells of smoke and there were a few pieces of McDonald's fries under the seat which still looked pretty golden but I think they've been there for months, if not years. I mean, what do you expect from an $800 car right? I didnt get it. I wouldn't know where to rake up an extra $800 anyway.

Funds are running pretty low, but what's new right? I try not to let it worry me too much but when I push these worries aside, they come and haunt me when I'm not doing much, which is like most of the time. I am still paying rent, meals and transport from my own savings which makes all these fancy pantsy let's shower our local athletes with support you hear seem like a fairy tale story. I wish I can just think about training but I guess if things don't push you, you won't grow. You start to depend on others. You start to become weak and needy. I guess it's an opportunity for me to grow. I want to learn, I'm hungry to gain more knowledge on how to earn without distracting me from my training. Nothing good ever comes easy, they say. The hard is what's gonna make this all worth it- I always, always, always remind myself.

The last time I raced was in Korea 4 months ago at the Asian Games. That wasn't even racing. That was me trying to be someone I wasn't. That wasn't the Aisyah Rower I know, neither was she the girl with big dreams you know. That was someone I've decided to leave behind in 2014. But moving forward to the race yesterday,  it's really interesting how you know you've done this at least a hundred thousand times, for 10 freaking years, and yet, the jitters that you get for every single race just scares you! In this game, experience doesn't make it any better. As you go up a level, it doesn't get any easier. But still, you do it. Can someone explain to me why?

At the start line, my heart was pounding so hard and so fast I could actually feel the beat pulsating through my fingers which were wrapped around my oar handles. I was nervous, for sure, but it was a damn good feeling. It was a feeling I hadn't felt for a very long time. It was love.

The love for the adrenaline that gushes in my blood when I get nervous and excited at the same time and it makes me feel so stoked. The love for the way my heart pounds at the start line. The love for the pain in my legs when the lactic starts to seep in them. The love for the way my lungs scream for air when I start to pant hard. The love for the way I make the boat glide on water. The love for the silly things I tell myself when I feel like I'm going to die anytime soon. The love for pushing myself and going beyond what I thought I can. The love for crossing the finish line knowing that I'm totally spent and there's nothing more that I could have given. The love for racing. The love for the sport.

It almost brought me to tears when I finished the race yesterday. I didn't win, neither was I last. But yesterday wasn't about the position I came in. What made the hugest impact on me was the fact that I fell in love again. It made me realise that this is what I was made for, this was what I was born to do. 

It is probably the cheesiest thing you've ever heard but for months, I was trying to find out what makes a good athlete better, and the better ones become the best. I felt that there was something missing in my life. And then yesterday happened and I felt alive, for the first time in many, many months. It was a beautiful moment. There wasn't a medal hanging around my neck, neither was was an applause or even a pat on my back for a good race. But right there, I felt happy. 

Alhamdullilah.

To many more races to come, and to be conquered.

xx