This is unbelievable. We're actually already stepping into the 2nd quarter of the year. WHAT HAPPENED TO MARCH? Time flies by so crazy fast you just need to step up your game plan otherwise you'll be left behind.
Ugh, talking about stepping it up and getting left behind.
I FEEL IT SO DEEP RIGHT NOW.
Ugh.
So as you might have already know, I went back to Singapore to race in the Asia Cup which was held at Marina Bay early in March. And didn't do as well as I have expected. In fact, it was horrible.
Here's some articles that might lighten up my competitors' days:
EXPECTATIONS. This big disgusting word being thrown around by people who don't even know sport, telling me OH AISYAH YOU'RE OUR CHAMP, GO WIN THIS. AISYAH, IT'S OKAY, YOU'LL DO WELL DURING SEA GAMES. OH AISYAH. WHAT HAPPENED?
EXPECTATIONS. Something you wish people didn't had of you so you can be the underdog- again. But 2013 happened. I won, and I don't blame these people who expect me to perform at every race I do because that's what champions do right? Win?
That's the part champions don't tell the world. The hardest part about winning- is to continue being a champion for the next few years or so. Being a champion is more than just that very day you won your race. It becomes a lifestyle, an attitude. People see you differently, people know you. People expect you to do well all the time.
But the biggest mistake I did when I went back to SG for the race was to listen to what these people say. Why should I listen to them? Were they there at every training I did since I was 14? Were they there to tape my blisters up when they bleed? Were they around when I felt so alone in Sydney I cried myself to sleep every night for a few weeks? Were they there to put money in my pocket when I my savings went fkg dry?
--
Losing was painful. I remembered crying so hard after one of the races I ran to a corner of Tanjung Rhu and bawled. I swear I seriously BAWLED, not giving a two cent fk if there were people there I just cried my eyes and lungs out. Losing in Singapore was heaps harder than losing at the Asian Games in Korea although the stakes were higher then. Because I lost in front of my family and friends, in front of my teammates and those who believe in me. I felt like I've disappointed them by multiple folds. Because I lost on my home ground. Losing drained every ounce of self-confidence I had in me. When I went back to Sydney, I felt empty like a shell on the beach that has been abandoned by a hermit crab because the crab has moved on to greater things in life. Even a crab doesn't want me anymore- that was how pathetic I felt. I used to have this Aisyah inside my head who will not accept no for an answer, and who will fight for what she believes in. The dreamer, the believer. The fast and strong Aisyah that the world knows. I feel that I've lost the Aisyah in me.
When I came back to Sydney, I participated in the Nationals. I thought this might be a good time for me to redeem myself. To find that Aisyah again.
I didn't race well. I know my potential but my performance at the Nationals were way below my best. But the good thing was, I am slowly starting to find that Aisyah I lost. I came in 6th out of 13 competitors, which is not great but considering that I had a hard fall in Singapore, being 6th in Australia was okay. "okay" is not good. but "okay" means things are going up, up and away. So, I'm happy to settle with "okay", for now. This will be slow and painstaking process, but I am determined that I will find her again.
I am trying to be patient but I know that time is not on my side. It is 11 weeks to the Games and I know I can't hang around hoping for good things to come my way. I have to take an extra leap, a bigger stride to get things going. To look for Aisyah, to become who I was meant to be- again.
The past few weeks have been hard- I swear it is by far the hardest thing I had to face as a professional athlete. It is even tougher than going through an injury or being rejected by a sports institute in giving you a scholarship. It feels like being 13 again facing an identity crisis and having to find "my true self". Good thing is, you're not having bad acne breakouts and YOU KNOW YOUR TRUE SELF IS THERE. It is just waiting to be discovered.
I am positive about how things are going right now. Alhmadullilah God is giving me this chance to prove myself again. Grabbing this chance, holding on tight and making the best out of it. Thank you, God, for loving me this much and giving me all these challenges in life because these are the things that are going to make me even stronger than ever. Thank you.
Had my first training with the girls today after the Nationals and it started off pretty well and then I suddenly lost momentum and found it hard to row. After possibly like 1358302hrs of my life rowing, I felt like I forgot how to row. I went so slow I cried and almost wanted to stop rowing and head back to the shed. But I remembered what this Aussie rower said during one of the talks I attended during the Nationals, "No matter how hard things are, you just don't quit. Never let quitting be an option."
After slapping myself (and being so mad at myself for being so fkg slow), I rowed hard on the way back to the shed. It was a lot of effort to go fast again, but at least right there and then, I knew how much effort I have to put in for every training. I am so glad I didn't quit.
Life's gonna bring me down again and again but each time I fall, I'm gonna get back up.
Hey, look who's back! :)
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment